Mt. Sophia Ideas

Earlier this semester I had to give someone some relationship advice. The question of who loved whom — and what exactly love is — was central to our conversation.

Then, a couple weekends back, my sister married a very awesome guy. I naturally had to write them a long philosophical discourse on the nature of relationships and love.

So, I hope you’ll forgive me if I devote this post the to topic of love. It’s not a homeschool-specific topic, but it’s one homeschoolers definitely have to deal with.

And there are few topics that are more important, in the end.

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I want to talk about romantic love specifically. I feel particularly compelled to talk about this kind of love because (a) I’m married, and (b) I teach college students.

As a married person I want to make sure I get love right. And as a teacher of college students, I get worried that they’re going to get love wrong.

I mean, have you ever listened to the songs about “love” that kids listen to, or seen the shows and movies about love that kids watch? You remember the songs you listened to and the shows/movies you watched when you were young, right? It’s essentially the same stuff: fun (for the most part), shallow (for the most part), and occasionally disturbingly bad.

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So, what is love, exactly?

I think love happens in three levels.

It begins as a desire, not as something you explicitly choose. Specifically, love begins as the desire to spend the rest of your life with someone, helping him/her to achieve his/her goals and to become as awesome as he/she can become.

That’s what falling in love means. It’s something that happens to you. You can’t help it, as it were. (But more on that later.)

And if that’s not what you desire, you haven’t fallen in love. You’ve fallen into something else, which may be perfectly fine, but isn’t love.

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The second (and deeper) level of love is the addition of commitment to desire.

Specifically, love becomes the desire and commitment to spend the rest of your life with someone, helping her/him to achieve her/his goals and to become as awesome as she/he can become.

This level is extremely important. This is where you shift from merely being in love with someone (which is a fine thing to be in, usually), to loving her or him.

This is the level where you engage not just the emotional/desiring side of yourself, but your full self — mind, emotions, soul, body, etc. — since you make a commitment to do whatever is involved in spending the rest of your life helping the other person to achieve his/her goals and to become as awesome as he/she can.

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The third (and perhaps deepest?) level of love is the acting out of your desire and commitment to spend the rest of your life with the other person, helping her/him to achieve her/his goals and to become as awesome as she/he can become.

Until you act out your love, your love isn’t fully actual. To actually love someone, you must act. (The word “actual” has the word “act” in it for a reason!)

And that means you must actually (a) do what is required to spend your life/time with the person you love, (b) do what is required to help him/her achieve his/her goals, and (c) do what is required to help him/her become as awesome as he/she can.

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But now we face two questions.

First, can you control whom you fall in love with?

Second, can you fall out of love?

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The answer to the first question is, “No, and yes.” What you find attractive depends upon your character and personality. You have the power to shape both your character and personality.

If you have a bad character — that is, if you are shallow and vindictive and immature — you’re going to be attracted by a certain type of person. If you work on improving your character, you’ll begin to be attracted by a different type of person.

So, your character determines who you’re going to desire to spend the rest of your life with, helping her/him to achieve her/his goals and to become as awesome as she/he can be. But you determine — and can change — your own character.

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The answer to the second question is, “Yes, but it doesn’t have to be a disaster.”

Love is one part desire, one part commitment, and one part action. The commitment in some sense is the completion or actualization of the desire, and the action is the completion and actualization of the commitment.

To “fall out of love,” I think, simply means losing the desire part of love. Desires are like emotions. They can be fickle. They can come and go. But the “heart” of love is in the commitment and action that actualize the desire, not in the desire itself.

If your desire flickers, therefore, I’d be willing to bet that continued commitment and action (which make love complete and actual) will bring the desire back to life.

And remember: While desire is the only part of love that you don’t control directly, you can control it indirectly by the way you shape your character. And you shape your character by the way you choose to act and think.

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So, that’s my theory about love.

What do you think?

-Micah Tillman

_{[Micah is a Mt. Sophia graduate who is working on his doctoral dissertation at The Catholic University of America. He also gets to teach philosophy (as a "teaching fellow"), which he loves.]}

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